in the past few days.. i haven really been doing much thinking... maybe it's school distracting me. maybe it's the fact that i refuse to allow myself much alone time to think about things. that's just the way i deal with situations...

last night i couldn't get to sleep. so i lay in bed. and ok yes, i did some thinking. i dunno why it's worrying ppl that i'm not thinking. but ok, i did think. maybe the reason why i'm not happy is cos generally i'm not as easily contented as some might think i am. i put in the effort and i generally want things to be good or better. and when i dun feel that things are then i dun feel happy.
but here's something else:

if i truly loved a person alot, it wouldn't matter that things aren't being recipocrated. i'd be happy still putting in the effort and it wouldn't matter that it's not being recipocrated.

i ask myself if i can do that. and my answer was dismally sad. no. i can't. in this current relationship i can't. so the love has become conditional. on my part.

my friend commented on something today. that i suddenly seemed free-er now. and yes when i think about it, i feel myself being free-er. more freedom to do things? i'm not saying that when i was in a relationship i didn't have freedom, but i think i just didn't want to make unnecessary problems. i put restrictions on myself?

if i do decide to start anything. be it mending the past or something new, this is something i wanna change. this self-restriction. i wanna be honest with whoever it is. i like having my freedom. being able to chill alone, with friends, with family. no worries of anything. i trust myself and that other person has to trust me. my friends who are dear to me(and i have v few, so i wanna start holding on to them) are important. i wanna be able to chill without worrying about misinterpretations.

yeah, the thinking hasn't really hit me. i know it eventually will. tmr? the weekend? for now, my subconscious is just pushing it back. i think i've been thinking too much before this happened. and now that it has, if i just continue to think on top of it, everything will be one big mess. so i shall just be calm. when the thoughts come they'll come. and eventually i'll have an answer.



btw, i think i can only talk to guys who think like girls. seriously, there's pat, there's jeremy. corne will think like a girl when he wants to. i think like a guy sometimes (explains why i look at girls more than guys), maybe unknowingly i have a higher testosterone level than most girls and i just feel more comfortable around dudes. sick. next thing you know, i'll be buying a binder and trying to be a butch.

Jeanne spoke her mind @ 10:39 PM